It's been 49 hours since I last ate.

Tuesday I stayed home from school. I was up all night, second night in a row, and I felt completely dead. I'm sure the lack of food mixed with lack of sleep is making everything worst. But, I enjoy the emptiness. I can't say that I don't.

Around five-thirty I walked to wawa and bought 20oz of hot low-fat coffee, and grabbed an Enviga (caloire-burning drink flavored with green tea). I didn't plan on walking far, but I did the same walk I did the other day; I ended up coming home about an hour later, so that was atleast a fifty minute walk, which was good.

It is now 7:16 PM. I don't want to eat. I'm fighting cravings, I'm staying out of the kitchen. For the first time in probably four days, I looked into the fridge. I still resisted food, which was good. Lack of sleep and lack of food are causing horrible, horrible mood swings. One minute I feel amazing, I feel happy. The next minute, I feel more alone than ever, like everyone secretly hates me, though I have no real reason to think that way. It's messing with my mind, but I will deal. I want to weigh myself. I'm getting anxious, maybe, I don't know the correct word, because I can't weigh myself since the scale is in the hallway and I'm not home alone. Why can't it just be in the bathroom? That is where it belongs, not in the hallway, where everyone can see.

My goal: Sixty hours.
Meaning, no eating until at least eight o'clock Wednesday morning. I think that will be easy. I will finish my drink, do homework, take a hot shower, and fall asleep. I never eat in the morning, I never eat in school, so actually, if I make it pass tonight, the first chance I'll have at eating will be when I come home, making my fast lasting 67 hours, and if I make it that far, why not make it 73? Three days. I'm going out with friends Wednesday, I think, which will probably mean getting something to eat. I'll try my best to skip, or get something so tiny, something small.



I want to waste away,
in every way possible.

edit - I skipped school today. I couldn't make it another day, I called my mother, and I stayed home and slept. It's been forty-six hours since I last ate anything. I think I may go take a shower, get coffee, and relax. No eating. Two more hours and it's been two days. I want to weigh myself, but my fucking grandmother is home. -edit


I haven't eaten anything in thirty one hours.
I had my first gym class.
We did tae-bo.
I felt weak. I felt dead. I felt exhausted.
I was empty and moving and wanting to waste away.
It was a cardio workout.
Gym class every day now.
Tomorrow, by the time I am in gym,
it will be about forty hours since I last ate anything.
And, I haven't been sleeping.
I went to school monday with no sleep, litereally.
I stayed up all night.
I came home, slept for eight hours,
and now it's 1:06 AM and I am wide awake.
I will probably be up all night.

I wont stop until I break this. I don't consider anything really a weight loss until I break from the ten I'm stuck at. Such as, if I were in the 130's I wouldn't be happy until I was in the 120's. If I were in the 120's I wouldn't be happy until I reached the teens. And, that is what I am aiming for. About three pounds to go. Instead of sleeping Tuesday after school I'll go for a walk. I'll grab a coffee, calorie-burning drinks, walk, and come home. No food. I can do this. Just three pounds. I want to lose about five, to be safe. That way, I can gain two pounds from eating, but still not be out of that set of numbers, you know.




It controls you.

Have any of you guys heard/seen the new drinks called Enviga? If not, you should look into them. They are amazing. They actually help increase the amount of calories you burn.

"Studies have shown that when EGCG and caffeine are present at the levels comparable to that in three cans of Enviga, healthy subjects in the lean to normal weight range can experience an average increase in calorie burning by 60 - 100 calories. "


These are already my new addiction.  I can feel it.  I have made up a plan, one that I want to follow, one that will help me, and one that will work. I wont allow it to fail, I wont allow myself to fail.

My plan is simply this. I will no longer eat breads or pasta's. I seem to binge on them, and eat them mostly, and I think if I were to cut them out it would help, a lot. I will no longer eat past eight o'clock PM. When I do eat, I will not binge. When I do eat, I will eat salad, fruits, yogurts. I will go for a walk at least once a day; a twenty minute walk, which is walking my whole town; yes, it is that tiny. I will fast. I will starve. I will make it.

Sunday night I went for a walk. I walked and walked until I could no longer feel anything. I wanted to walk forever, until everything just metled away, until I was tiny and fragile and nothing but skin and bones. On my walk home I ended up running into my ex-boyfriend, who was on his way home, but instead we walked to get coffee and talked. We talked about my bulimia, as well. I also told him about my past with cutting, burning, pills, alcohol, and a few other things. It helped, he makes it comfortable. We then spent from eleven o'clock until one-thirty in the morning talking. He likes this girl, this new girl. And, shockingly, I am not upset. He is my bestfriend. He told me tonight that I am his. That is all I want. I am over him, in that sense. I've finally reached it. I finally feel okay and good about this. It took me fucking four months. Four fucking months to get where I am. I am finally happy again.

I want to be tiny.
I want to be tiny.
I want to be tiny.
I need to be tiny.